A Post-Valentines Day Message: We Don’t Have to Wait on Romance to Feel Belonging.
It is the day after Valentine’s Day weekend, a time of connection for some but also deep isolation for many. While our culture idealizes it, romantic love is not the only way we can find a deep sense of belonging. A deep peace can be found through connection with the world around us. If our environment is stable and rich, it can provide an inherent sense that we belong. So how to we create a sense of belonging outside of romantic love?
Let’s start on a micro-level.
The smallest levels of belonging are created through our hormones and neuron systems. Oxytocin and vasopressin will be released as our body instinctually connects to other beings, giving us the “warm fuzzies.” Through mirror neurons, we start to mimic the behaviors from others around us, telling us if we are in the presence of safety. Our neuron pathways will light up and guide our reactions and responses to others around us. If all these things happen and the outcome is positive, then there will be an underlying sense of belonging in our environment. Friendships and community that feel safe an nurturing can create a deep sense of belonging which research has shown can not only help you live longer but also increase the “healthspan” not just your lifespan.
Now let’s expand outward…
Community is of great importance, but where we live can also have a major impact on our sense of belonging and overall quality of our mental health.. With a curious perspective, think of your actual home…do you feel connected to it? Research has shown that the state of your home environment, especially cluttered spaces with little natural light, can have profoundly negative impacts on mental health.
Going outward even further…
What about the street you live on? City? State? Country? Do you feel a sense of belonging in your community? Humans are social creatures. Even when you feel confident in yourself, being surrounded by people with whom you cannot connect can make anyone feel like an “outcast,” or somehow defective. What if you feel like you have the right home, but it’s in the wrong city? That is going to affect you every time you leave your home, because your protector self is going to say “we only belong at home, so get back there.” What if you don’t feel like you belong in this political climate or culture? What if, some days, you don’t even feel like you belong as part of this human race? That is an actual thought of many clients I see, and they feel disconnected from almost all relationships in their life. Humans are social creatures who strive to find a balance or homeostasis in all of their environments. When something is off, we tend to blame ourselves and disconnect from the very relationships we need to thrive.
So what’s the antidote? There is not one solution or “cure” to help create a deeper sense of belonging. Each individual has a unique set of needs, fears, and values that create or destroy a sense of connection. There are, however, some simple steps that anyone can take to work towards increasing a sense of connection and belonging,
Physical Environment. If home does not feel like a place of peace for you, carve out a small place that is all your own. Create a meditation area or a reading nook. Carve out space for a hobby you love. Find a place in your yard to lay down in the grass and watch the clouds. The only stability we have comes from creating a deep sense of connection and belonging for ourselves, within ourselves.
Leave the House. Belonging can also be found by getting the courage to venture out and just exist in the outside world. If you like coffee shop vibes, go sit in a coffee shop and just be there. The trick is to do this time and time again. If you like working out, do it in a public gym and maybe even one with classes. If you enjoy reading, go to a library. Sit and people watch. Before you even realize it, you will become a regular in these spaces and create connections you would have been terrified to make when you were just getting started.
Do More of What you Love. I often hear my clients struggle with knowing how to meet people and make friends. The answer is to simply do more of what you love and you will naturally find your people. Go to a pottery class. Go to that convention with like-minded people. ComiCon – absolutely! Concerts? Yes, please. Struggling with an issue and need a support group – there are so many to choose from. Finding ways to connect to others and the world around you can be deeply uncomfortable at times but is a critical step to feeling a deep sense of belonging and building a life that feels rich and meaningful. Take an inventory of what you like to do and then move towards the action of making it happen. Even if you are not ready to make conversation, just being in the vicinity of others is enough to start creating connections with people again.
Go Outside. No matter how much we fight it, we are animals. We are a part of nature and nature is a part of us. Community and friendship can create deeply meaningful bonds but... sometimes we get burnt out on being around people. When you are feeling depleted and disconnected, the answer may be to simply spend time in nature. This is not just therapy woo-woo nonsense, there is actually a lot of data to back this up. Attentional Restoration Theory suggests that time in nature creates something called “soft fascination” which can help restore our attention and down-regulate our nervous system. This is where it is important to get connected back to nature. Using all of your senses to connect with nature is a natural way to regulate your nervous system and feel like you belong to the world around you. Find a few items from nature that make you happy and bring them into your daily environment. Fill your home with plants and rocks. For me, living in Florida allows for a lot of seashells to find their way home and into art work and planters. I have traveled to mines in the US and have crystals, sapphires, and so many special rocks from my adventures that are scattered around my home. Get creative and find ways to make your environment all yours and you will get a sense of belonging to the world around you.
Silver Buonocore, LMHC
